Presvytera Melanie DiStefano: Welcome to Family Matters: Fully Human Edition. This is Melanie DiStefano. This podcast is entitled, “Dear Fathers and Mothers.” This podcast is a cry for help, a plea for greater understanding, directed toward the spiritual fathers who set the tone for the spiritual growth of their community members, to the priests of our Orthodox Christian parishes. It is also mainly a plea to other moms from an anonymous fellow mother of a teenager who is not neurotypical. He has Asperger’s and has difficulty establishing relationships with his peers because of their mutual misunderstandings. This mother posted the following letter in a private Facebook group for other Greek Orthodox moms, and she gave me permission to read her letter on this podcast. It reads:

Dearest moms, I ask you to join me in prayer for my son who is a senior in high school. He is on the spectrum with Asperger’s. He’s doing okay in school academic-wise. He has a few friends at school—and none at church. Parents have noticed from the time he was young that he was different from other kids, moreso with the focus aspect. This is homecoming season here, and he has asked about eight or ten friends to gather one last time before the homecoming dance for dinner as a group of buddies. All of them have an excuse to either not go or to just go to the dance. He is left with no one to go and enjoy a simple meal with. He relayed to me that his biggest fear is that he is going to be alone in his life, because he is not yet at a stage where he can relate to having a serious relationship with a girl, and he notices that his friends—that he presumes to be friends, and calls them buddies—come and go like the weather and are not dependable as true friends.

I have spoken to my priest about this, and I have not received any consolation or a true reply or even a prayer for him or to say, “I’d like to talk to your son for a few sessions.” My son has served in the altar since he was in elementary school. He’s attended and finished Greek school. He’s danced in the dance groups for the parish festivals, and has been in GOYA and Sunday school. His support system is zero.

This is not about me, though, so I don’t want sympathy for me or my son, because he is alive. I just ask of you all to please pray for him, that he finds his way and that his life fills with good-hearted people who will love and care for him and want his presence within theirs. I cannot say his name here, because I know there are mothers from my church on this page, mothers who have never opened their doors to my son to come and spend the day with their own, and who made excuses each time we invited their kids here.

My son has never and would never hurt anyone. That isn’t his nature. He talks loudly sometimes because he assumes he is being accused or scolded when someone makes a remark at him or suggests something to him, for example, if they say, “Hey, I think it might be time to get your hair trimmed or cut.”

Please, moms; please pray for my son like you would pray for your own, so that I know that others care enough to do so. From the bottom of my heart, thank you, and Jesus bless you all.

My response to this mother’s letter:

This letter broke my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I do not have solutions, unfortunately; I wish I did. I wish all of us—I honestly wish I had eyes that were wide open to see the beauty of each person in this world. As a mom of a child who has multiple disabilities, I have often seen the pain of him not fit in. For years, I longed for him to have even one friend. It never happened, aside from his grandparents. It never happened with peers. In his case, it wasn’t always for lack of people trying. He simply couldn’t keep up, nor did he want to seem to play in similar ways with other children. It was always too hard for both sides to continue or to connect.

Nonetheless, the isolation for our families, our children, is very real. Even though all children experience times of rejection and feel as if they do not fit in, people with disabilities, especially ones that lead to atypical communication behaviors, get a heaping helping of isolation. They experience consistent and persistent loneliness. In an ideal world, this should not be. We instinctively know it should not be so. In God’s heart, it is not. God loves and embraces each one of us equally, whatever our abilities. Why can’t we? This is my lament.

I will be praying for the precious young man to find a circle, a community, in which he finds connection and belonging. I will pray for his peers to open their eyes, for his church family to open their hearts, and for him to never feel that he is alone.

The Greek Orthodox Archdiocese Center for Family Care’s Fully Human ministry really is trying to remove such barriers, separation, and misunderstandings of people with disabilities within our church parishes. I know our clergy do not always know how to minister ideally in every circumstance. I’m married to a priest, and I know the other side of the coin, which is: our priests sincerely want to help and they do their best, but are often not prepared to respond ideally in many difficult circumstances such as this. Priests need to be educated also on such matters, and so do church communities. Other moms and dads who make up the body of Christ need to be made aware of the extreme loneliness some children and families face because they make look or act a little different.

My request to you, dear spiritual fathers, and also to other moms and dads, spiritual and otherwise, is this: Share this hurting mother’s letter, this podcast, with your fellow parishioners, with your fellow clergymen and your fellow clergy wives. Share this message with your teenage children who are mature enough to learn from its content. And please, start modeling for your children, familial or spiritual, that every person in a community belongs and is loved by simply doing your best to connect with each one, as you would with any person who comes into your parish: with a smile, a greeting, a “how are you?” or “what’s new with you?” These things matter.

If parents come to you with problems that are too vast and complex for you to be able to handle, be honest, but also ask, “What can I do to help you?” And tell the parents, “I might not be able to help or do everything you ask of me, but I am open to trying to do what I can,” and “Could I say a prayer for you or with you or with your child? Would you like me to talk with your son or daughter further?” These things go a long way. Trying to understand goes a long way. Showing sincere concern goes a long way. Modeling by genuinely seeking to make every person feel welcome in your church, no matter how oddly you think they behave, goes a really long way.

If you still have discomfort around people with disabilities, take it to prayer. Christ will send his Holy Spirit upon you and fill what is lacking, just as was read over you in the prayer of ordination to the priesthood. We are works in progress, and even priests and priests’ wives are called to grow in repentance and wisdom and love.

Finally, dear moms and dads of your own beautiful, misunderstood children, just know that my heart can feel your pain quite literally. I have to believe that the Lord will not leave your child or mine. He told us, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” Maybe human beings can forsake us, but God is above our limitations.

With sincere and heartfelt prayers for every member of Christ’s body,
Presvytera Melanie